If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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