hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
