I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
