who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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