im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
