omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
