I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
