Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
