I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
