Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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