dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
