Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
