K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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