I can text with my tongue
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
