you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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