Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
