someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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