I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
