he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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