fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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