Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
