First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
