is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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