Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
