I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
