omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
