We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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