well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
