This girl is more easily done than said...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
