So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
