I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
