I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
