It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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