I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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