My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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