So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
