also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
