M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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