Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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