Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
