Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
