here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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