its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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