Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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