when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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