i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
