Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
