i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
