My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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