Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
