If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
